ExSqueeze Me Weirdo

It's incredible how one word can change you. It can create you, destroy you, contort your being in such a manner that you'll never know who you could have been, or should have been, without its existence.

For me, that word is "weird."

As a child, I always wanted to squeeze my friends. I felt so strongly about them, I didn't know how else to show my admiration but to just grab and exert my love such that they could feel it. That squeeze meant I love you to the ends of the earth but I have to hurt you a bit, because it makes me so damn vulnerable. It meant I don't have words for the joy you bring me just by including me and laughing with me, so my body has to speak for me.

Through that hug I hoped to transmit bliss, acceptance, and the thrill I felt from gratitude that they were them and I was me and we connected. It was pure.

I was told early on that this was weird. And it's true, that's totally weird. You can't go around squeezing people all the damn time. There are better ways to express it and people deserve their space. Later on, squeezing turned into biting as my good friends know, and I guess that was even weirder.

But with that word, others unknowingly implied that my impulses were all wrong. I was made to believe that my modes of expression were incorrect, as well as the feelings behind them.  Thus began the coding of exchanges, the creation of an attempted "socially acceptable" self, the watering down of my thick vast mess of a deeply loving heart.

Unfortunately, I think most everyone had that moment. Where change was forced upon them for the sake of "normative" behavior. We dance at parties, text crushes nonchalantly, tell close friends deep secrets only when it's one on one and late at night. Extreme or differing behavior is just plain "weird." But the weird stuff is the fun stuff, the substantive stuff, so often. And to me, the fact that expression is normed makes it even more weird, like we're all in a robot Sim's colony where you can either smile, hug, flirt, or chat about a series of commonalities (wow, I miss the Sims,) and that's it.

You can go your whole life dancing around weird, attempting to avoid the judgmental slap of its use against you, and never succeed. One person's weird book is another's bible. Cool changes constantly, even the word to describe cool changes; groovy, far out, chill... you get the point.

This simple word has quieted me in the past, and inspired me in the present. Basically, all you can do is like what you like, say what you want to say, and squeeze who you want to squeeze as long as no one gets hurt. Surround yourself with the weirdest people you know, they're on to something.