Understanding Your Vegetarian Friends in 8 Steps

Vegetarians are people too.

Ok.. so technically, I'm a pescaratian (I still eat fish,) because I couldn't give up sushi, and because I don't really think fish have feelings. But I almost always have a pet fish to try to make up for these fish eating indiscretions.. I think I still lose karmically in the end and I hereby formally apologize to Nemo and all subsequent fish friends..

But I digress..

 I think I can speak for many of us when I make these claims:

1) WE ARE VEGHEADS FOR A DAMN GOOD REASON

When you ask why we're vegetarians, we will have a VERY good reason. Frankly, there are a lot of compelling arguments for it, and chances are, we've done our research so we can answer this question wisely. And so we can rebut the very annoying people who come at us with ridiculous objections, which brings me to 2..

2) NO ONE IS TRYING TO CONVERT YOU

JUST BECAUSE WE TELL YOU OUR GOOD REASON DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GET DEFENSIVE. Ain't no one tryna convert you friend. You don't have to say "but bacon is delicious," or "I'm gonna eat two cows for every cow you don't eat." Just be cool, we're trying to make a difference in our own way here. Nod and ignore us, it's fine. I really don't want to debate this anymore, I just want to go about my life and eat my clearly less delicious veggie burger in peace.  

3) WE REALLY ARE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

  We feel JUST as bad when we come to your house and you had to make special accommodations for us. Seriously, I didn't mean to be a jerk I just didn't want to feast on some carcass of a pig. If you have enough sides I'm gonna fill up on those and say nothing, just so I  don't have to bother you.. Broccoli has become my best friend anyway, we're good with each other, we've talked to one another late into the night about our struggles and triumphs. It's cool.

4)  NOT ALL OF US ARE HEALTHY.. TAKE MYSELF FOR INSTANCE

I don't like salad, ok! My three main food groups are pasta, cheese, and chocolate. This obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but don't assume I'm healthy just because I'm not guzzling dead cows and chickens. I actually have a mostly carb diet... Life is a work in progress right?

5)  VEGETARIAN VERSE VEGAN

Vegetarians: chicken, beef, pork, fish, lamb, ACTUAL ANIMAL..

  Vegans: milk, cheese, eggs, BYPRODUCTS  

^ God bless anyone who is capable of giving up cheese.

6) MEAT DOESN'T EVEN APPEAL TO ME ANYMORE

I've gotten real used to a stomach without it, I'd probably get sick if I tried it (proven) and at this point I have genuinely forgotten that I'm a veg. (It's been 6 years for me) When I go to restaurants, my eyes just naturally go to the pasta section. Occasionally, do I see a burger on television that I want to bite my highly reformed teeth into? Do I get intoxicated once in a while and threaten to eat all of the Chinese orange chicken available to the East Coast? Yes, I do. But I don't mean it, not really.

7) DON'T SNEAK MEAT INTO STUFF THAT DOESN'T USUALLY HAVE IT! IF YOU DO, LABEL IT.

I'm looking at you, University of Maryland Orientation lasagna. My poor pre-freshman tummy was NOT expecting that and it was NOT cool! 

8) TO BE HONEST, WE DO FEEL JUST A LIIITTLE BIT BETTER THAN YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE AWESOME SELF CONTROL

But we know logically that we aren't.. I swear....